The Damage of 6 weeks

So, I thought I’d meander over to the scale today and see what it had to tell me. I still can’t find any recent weighings on here, I thought for sure I weighed before I left but the last weigh I have in my head is from a month ago, where I weighed 258.5 pounds. I stopped weighing then because there wasn’t a lot I could do while at school emotionally wise to devout to it. I had a full plate and decided to just wait until I got home before worrying about anything.

And, ready for it?

Ya know you are….

The weigh-in for today was 253.4 pounds.

Not too shabby, heh.

I woke up at 2 pm today, had a nice little sleep, eh? Starting to feel a bit like my old self again which is a bit nice. Today will be spent cleaning and moving things about and more cleaning. I’m really on a kick to get rid of the extra crap around the house and now is a good time to do it! I better get going though, the problem with waking up so late is that you have not much time to do the things you need to do :)

The garden!

…. has finally been sprouting us some goodies! My green-beans are doing good, there’s about 10 of them out there! Lettuce?? Oh yea baby, guess what we’ll be having the next few weeks??? AND! We have two cute little zuchinni’s starting! One is almost ready to eat, the other still has lots to grow and we have several flowers still which means we’ll have quite a few more zuch’s coming! There’s also some flowers on the cucumber plant. It’s still quite late and they should be growing already but - well, when you plant them late, they come late! Next year will be much more fruitful… or, should I call it “Vegeful?”

Martin has my camera and I have to find his but - if I can find it for tomorrow, I will take some pics to show you!

Lots planned for me during this supposed “relaxation” time! In the next day or two, I have to clean this place top to bottom for his niece to come down and I also have to take care a lot of outdoors stuff. Our yard is looking a bit on the trashy side so it looks like I have some catching up to do on yard maintenance. We’ve had an astounding amount of rain this year and well, thankfully I have a neighbour who doesn’t care about our long grass (except it could hide snakes, she says). “It’s okay, it’s just me back here with your jungle.” HAHAHA… oh dear. Thankfully she’s understanding.

I will work on the front and side yard tomorrow though! And get some of our solar lights out. See? My summer is just beginning and I have a lot of things to catch up on and I’m tired of my place lookin’ dumpy. That’s what happens when you go away for six weeks! I can’t tell you how glad I am to be back home. So. So. Glad.

I’m also excited I get a few webpages to work on! I haven’t done this in ages and I’m excited to get back at it. It’s a bit of a learning curve with the new software I got because I’m used to doing it on my own (coding wise) but this will give me a chance to use that coding knowledge and combine it with some of the newer stuff. I’m going to volunteer some hours with the church page I’ve worked on for um, wow, I’d say almost 8 years now. They don’t have a ton of money but - I gotta admit, I am tired of the look and well, it’d give me a chance to work on something nicer, brighter and more ‘funner’. Hehe. They’ve been a constant source of work (three times a year plus a little here and there) which has helped immensely since moving here in those slow months where we were a bit short on dough. Time to give back. Plus, it allows me to use the page to show other clients and it’d be nice if it was a bit fresher. I’d like to also teach the woman I work with (who I stayed with last year in NB) how to update it herself. I don’t usually charge for the updates because I can be slow in updating it (well, if I am at school, other than that, it’s a day wait or so but - still, if it is something small she can do on her own, by all means I think she is capable of doing it!) I’ve never been one to make a page that the client can’t update on their own — haha, except for at the nukkie place but - that’s ’cause she didn’t want to learn because, they pay me to design it, they should be able to update it when they want. Anyways - I’m also eager to talk to my old boss at the plant because, I’m suspecting the website is in need of help. Heh. I’d like to see if my theory is proved correct! That could be a month of employment right there again, so I’ll give her a call on Monday. I hope I don’t pee my pants with laughter when I discover the site is ruined because Big Mouth Bass didn’t want to listen to me on how to update it… *snorts*

And on a serious note, I’m wondering if I should call this other woman at the plant that i used to work with at the university, to see if they filled that ‘dream job’ of mine yet. I am seriously pondering that as a short-term career choice. Please don’t judge my decision and that I’m a flirty little job person but - seriously, the job pays about $70 000 a year and it could be a good short-term solution to my long-term money problem that spending three years in school has caused me. It would also allow us to save a little money to buy a home further out of town towards where I used to live… the people are nicer that way and don’t have such hang-ups as the ones here. Actually, we were talking about buying some land on a secluded lake somewhere and start working on having a holiday property which would eventually become a permanent home. Martin has decided to stay in the forces until he is no longer physically capable of it, which must have been a hard choice for him. But, it is what he feels is the best one for the moment. I respect any choice he makes and it just means we will start saving up some bucks for when he DOES decide to quit and go back to school or open a business or whatever. It buys us some time and I just pray no more deployments happen between now and then.

Ahhhh, anyways - lots of things going on around here. I’d love to write more but I really want to get started on this cleaning thing since I hate it and well, it needs to get done. I may as well do it when I feel somewhat inclined to do it!

Toodles!

On my weigh!

I’m really getting pumped here. Finally, classes are done…. and I feel like a big part of my schooling is DONE.

So what is next? My placement goes from September 28 until the end of the second week in November.  I also am going to try and get into another course which will help me get a job. The principal from my last placement is the prof for it and she was really nice. A toughie but fair. Also, a fellow pollock :)  When you become a teacher, there are extra classes you take to help bring you up the payscale and to help you get a job, period. That’s what I need around here….

Also, looking at some things tonight, I think I am going to also set a fitness goal for myself….

Remember how I was almost a lifeguard? I had the course signed up before I got injured… and it just kind of never got done.

I have one class left to become a lifeguard.

One.

And it costs $150. And… they have one coming up this upcoming Christmas holidays.

And…. I’m going to do it! I have a lot of work to do before now and CHristmas to get up to a reasonable fitness level but I know I can do it. It’s still almost 5 months away. *fingers crossed*

Lots of things coming up… and I’m going to do it because, I want to cross some more things off of this site!

That’s it for now. It’s 11 pm, I’m heading to bed ’cause I really have some things I want to get done tomorrow…. phone calls, visits, phone calls, and catching up on things that need to be caught up on!

Two days to go

Thank the Lord, halleluia, only two more days left of this class. Thank. God. Have I told you how much I thank God for it?? WHOO HOOOO…..

Just think about it! Tomorrow night? I’ll be home, in my sweet, sweet bed. Thank the Lord. Martin has gone up north today to visit his parents. I was very happy and grateful he spent the past couple of days with me. He even stayed at my mom’s alone yesterday all day, waiting for me to come home at 7:30 pm from my classes. We cuddled a bit on the couch, relaxed, he played some video games while I did homework and we went to bed afterwards. Unfortunately, my allergies are killing me big time and I am sad to announce, that I am officially an “allergy” girl again no matter where I go. I had hoped my immunity to the area would have lasted a bit longer. So, I will need to make an appointment with the allergist to get some good allergy pills ready for next year.

Well, I’d write more but we’re about to do the course evaluation for our second last class… and well, I wanna get out of here. I’m about to go out for lunch with Stessball to swiss chalet….mmmmmm….. swiss chalet! Oh yea, and then I have one more assignment, two more classes… and then finished :D Yippie!

Toodles!

Setting goals and other things

I’ve been so derelict in my goal setting and pretty much anything health-related the past year (or two) or three…. actually, make that five.

Five. Long. Years.

It’s hard sometimes to have a belief in yourself, that you can do anything you set your mind to when you really, can’t do everything you want to do.

I’ve gone through so many phases in this recovery, that every time I reach a phase, I seriously think I’m close to being there but then, I realise there’s a lot more steps and phases I need to do. It’s not that all of these phases mean I’m not getting closer to where I need to be, it’s just that I never realised there’d be so many freakin’ steps to get there!

But I’m not going backwards, and that’s what is really important, right?

I was sitting standing here today, making baking cookies (mmmmmm) and started to think. First off, it’s a shame I don’t bake more often. And baking doesn’t necessarily mean baking unhealthy things but instead, I should see about experimenting baking healthier things. Baking gives me time to think and time to try new things. It could also give me time to enjoy food again because, I really, really, really hate food. Do you know how hard it is to be a fat person who hates, despises, detests, abhors food with a passion? As Kermit says, “It ain’t easy being green….” and I must say, “It ain’t easy hating food and being fat…”

And earlier today while looking at pictures of me from my scottish presentation, I shuddered at how fat I am. Seriously I forget how fat I am and sometimes, I wonder if I even really care.

Of course, I want to care but - that doesn’t mean I really do.

So, I’ve started to think up of two goals I want to accomplish in the next year. The first I was keeping to myself for a bit because, it’s an expensive goal. And I’m worried about if I can actually make it financially and time-wise. But, I’m going to set it as a goal and if it turns out I can’t do it, it doesn’t matter. It’s the fact that I could do it if I wanted to at the time, and again — that’s what matters.

A few weeks ago I was talking to Julia, a good friend of mine in Italy who has always offered encouragement to me and has been there through thick and thin and thick again. I told her I wanted to do the moonwalk that Shauna had done a while back… and this is important to me for a few reasons. First off though, I want all to know, I’m not a masochist! :P But, seriously, it’s the city my great-grandmother grew up in and since grade 6, I’ve had my heart set on visiting Scotland and both Glasgow (where my grandfather is from) and Edinburgh are on my list. Martin has also said he would like to go there as well and … well, I just think it’d be an awesome place to visit from top to bottom, side to side! My grandfather passed away on thanksgiving, when I was in college almost ten years ago (or more, give or take, I can never remember) but I promised him I would go back ‘home’. I intend to fulfill that promise.

So, the cost of going there could be a factor and the date of the moonwalk is a little bit inconvenient. If I am teaching then, I likely couldn’t take the last week off of school to go… also, if I am not teaching but taking additional qualifications which often happens in May/June. Those are important to allow me an opportunity to get jobs more easily and also, to help get an increase in salary!

Julia said she’d come over to Scotland with me to do the Moonwalk, which would really rock! And I mentioned to my friend Steph that I’d be doing it and she expressed some interest in perhaps coming along. She’d be one of the few people I’d actually ever travel with so, if she was able to come and travel with me for a bit, that’d be really awesome! Again, she’s a teacher too so chances are, the date (mid-June) would really be off-putting in that aspect. But it’s a dream of mine and at the very least, both Steph and I are going to work our asses off this year (literally) and whether or not we do the moonwalk, if I am able to walk the distance that’s all that matters in the big picture.

The second thing I want to do this upcoming year is look HAWT for my graduation. My graduation is likely around June 25 (or so) of next year and again, that timing doesn’t look so great as a conflict to the moonwalk. I want to look dynamite for the grad and that means (to me) losing at least 50 pounds and more if I can.

I do have a third goal and that is to get off my pain medication in the next two months if I can. I wanted to wait until my class was finished because there have been days it has been absolutely unbearable. I will likely still have to keep the medication for those days where it will evidently be required but right now, I’ve been taking it twice daily which has really increased my quality of life in infinite ways but at the same time, removed some independence from me as well. That is seriously something I don’t like… but it’s tough being so on the fence about it, weighing the pros and cons….

So, three big goals for the next year. I haven’t worried or even thought about my weight the past month and with only 8-10 days left of class, I won’t be worrying about it for another two weeks either. When I return, I am going to focus on myself until my placement starts. That time of focus will help me learn to start appreciating myself and my body again. I am so disconnected with my body, it’s a big thing I need to do in order for this to work.

No more ‘out of body’ experiences for me! Time to learn to feel from within….

Time to go, the cookies are almost done! Mmmmmmm. And no, these aren’t those healthy ones, hehe….

Catching up on lots of meanderings!

I’ve had a very troubling week on many levels… it’s hard when you are trying to get a good education and things happen which are beyond your control, and you must do nothing but sit around and allow them to take place. I’ve tried to complain once last year about it but this year, it’s happened again. And, I am choosing to not say anything about it. It’s time for someone else to say something unless it gets to the point where it affects my mark. Two things happened on Thursday, that if I have a low mark from, I will absolutely ensure my complaint is brought up to the attention of however far I must go, to have the problem resolved.

Anyways - with that aside, I would like to update you on some of the positives!

My scottish thing went really well. The person ahead of me did an outstanding job, which sort of made me feel like an idiot and self-conscious so I had a tough act to follow. (He went as Germany, and did one of the Grimm brothers, and acted out one of their plays….) considering we were only supposed to do 20-30 seconds and his was almost 5 minutes, I felt a bit sheepish going up there in my weee kilt…. so, it IS on video somewhere, I’m going to get it, but I’m sure I stammered a lot. But, here’s the general jist of it. I couldn’t do as much talking as I wanted to ’cause my mind went blank but I did what I wanted to!

Scotland the Brave played as I came down dressed in my sash, kilt, and two swords… oh yea, and the flag that I made the night before!

I got to the bottom of the theatre, placed on the floor my swords criss-crossed, and began to do my highland dance. I have NEVER danced it before and I pray to God I don’t look too retarded (but when I get the film, I’ll put it up for y’all because, well, I’m nice that way)…. and I think I did okay though ’cause, people actually watched, stopped talking and well, watched. I went around once, was out of breath, grapped the microphone and said something along these lines…. (in a thick, scottish accent)

“Ayyyyyyyyyyye, welcome all ye lads and lassies! Can you ‘ear me waaaaaay back there???” (We had problems with people talking in the mic, being very quiet and I’m one of the quietest ones so, apparantely they could hear me!)

“Aye, that’s grrrrrrrrreat! Okay, I’m ‘ere today to represent scotland and to represent the clan Russell and the clan MacLean.”

(Those are my mom’s clans, and this is also the point where I start to shit my pants)

“I want to share two things with you today, the first! The first is, contrary to popular belief, not all scottish people can dance!”

It took a sec for them to realise, i was making fun of myself, and then they (who understood my accent) started to laugh.

“The next thing is, I’d like to share some of Scotland’s history. You see, us Scots and First Nations, we have something in common. It’s a weeeee little problem called Oppression.”

They all went really quiet. They knew I had soemthing serious to talk about.

“We had some invaders come to our land and force their rule upon us. They took our land from us. They been there for a couple of centuries….”

More quiet.

“You may have ‘eard of them before. The British?”

Quiet. Then some laughs!

Phew!

“But, I want you all to know, we’ve worked hard. I have good news to share! After a few hundred years , we’re getting some of our freedoms back. We’re getting our land back…..”

Silence….

“And, one day, you shall too!!”

I waved and handed off the mic….

And then I was supposed to go to the front and stand beside those who already went. But, instead, I had to return Lawrence of Arabia’s sword back to him!

“Ayyyye, Sorry but - I must go and return this sword! ye see, the Scottish are a cheap people who hate buying things so we borrow everything! Ayyyyyyyyyyyye!”

LOTS of laughs.

Haha….

Anyways - I’ll get the video and other things to do. I’ll also talk about the tea party thing another time (the second presentation) because, I’m too emotional about that still. I haven’t entirely worked through that anger yet.

Tonight Martin and I are heading out to watch Indiana Jones! It’s the first movie we’ve seen in the theatre since moving here two years ago… it’s a date! whooooo!

Better go get that laundry done!

Toodles darlings!

When in Rome, do as the Romans do… or the Scots, whatever!

Aye! You’re jealous, I can tell! And, YES, I’m doing that face on purpose! I was going for the action-highlander-leaping-in-action shot!

I’m going to SO make an ass of myself tomorrow, just you see! (And, you will ’cause, I’m going to try and get someone to video it for me)… oi, vay! I mean, AUCH….

P.S. I made that whole outfit (except for the shirt) alllllllllllllll by meeeeeeeeeeeself!

Fa la la la laaaaaaaaaa, la laa la laa….

My momma always said, “When you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say nothin’ at all.”

Well, I don’t remember exactly my momma sayin’ it but someone’s momma did…

I don’t have much nice to say, nor anything bad… just not much at all. I’m realising now — end of Monday — this is going to be a week in hell. It’s also going to be a week where I have to grasp every little ounce of my being to not snap at anyone, or say words to anyone that I’d regret someday… I just ain’t feelin’ very neighbourly is all!

I’m a feelin’ blaaaaaaaaah. Tomorrow we have gym, which oughta kick my ass thoroughly despite it being meant for kids. Kids are resilient, active little buggars you know :P

Anyways - just wanted to write, let you know I’m alive, let you know I got my cool adobe package up and running and to let you know, I’m too busy to try it out. Drats! But this upcoming weekend, I’m taking time off for meeeeeeeeeeee…. myself….. and I!

Cherrio darlings!

You’d all be so proud of me…

… and so would Brown Owl!

I spent the day doing a few things but mostly, sewing. I can’t sew worth squat, and I haven’t sewn since I was in grade 10. And I’m pretty sure I barely passed.

But! I did earn my sewing badge in Brownies when I was a wee one. So, I figured with the advanced sewing skills an eight year old learns, that I could easily sew a book-bag, a kilt and of course, a dress from the late 1800’s in one weekend! No problem!, “Aye, a wee kilt, ’tis simple! Me Brown Owl would be ‘miiiiiighty proud of meself!”

Anyways - I managed to get two of the three projects done. Tomorrow is going to be busy as I need to finish (er, I mean, START my fancy-schmancy dress.) I didn’t even swear once today pulling everything together, which was quite a feat in itself! Yeehaww!

I wonder if they have web-design badges? Or graphics diva badges? I’d totally rejoin just so I could earn some more! Believe it or not, my mom still has my sash with all my goodies on there… next time I go north, I’ll check to see if she has it or - maybe she already gave it to me. What a flashback when I saw that last!

Anyways - it’s almost 3 am, I should get to bed… I have just spent the last hour installing my new adobe programs and I didn’t want to leave it ‘hanging’ so to speak, and i don’t want to start over from scratch. Since it’s the master collection, they need to be all installed at the same time. Fun fun! I can’t wait to try out some of the programs and even more so? I can’t wait to start making some money out of this ’cause, I totally need some right now. Argh. I feel in limbo financially right now, and that sucks chunks! I can’t wait to start working…

…. at a job where I don’t work with sociopaths….

heh.

Bonne nuit a tous!

Long days, no rest, tired, cranky, argh.

This week has been probably one of my most exhausting weeks ever… the homework isn’t even an issue but I’ve just been sleeping really, really poorly. The bed isn’t even that uncomfortable but, it just isn’t my bed. I’m tempted (and may still try tonight) putting the mattress on the floor and seeing if that makes any bit of difference in getting sleep.

Tomorrow I’m heading home and a friend from the class is going to come down with me. She wants to see more of the province since she’s from the far north and well, while I really hate where I live because the people are a bunch of arseholes, I must admit a good chunk of where I live is really beautiful. I hope she likes it.

Better go nod off and I hope to get you guys a real, good, postive effin’ entry for the weekend. I DID get my dream software package from adobe so I’m hoping to install it this weekend. *fingers crossed* Though, I need to sew a couple of outfits for drama class next week. I ordered a kilt from scotland (since I’m supposed to represent the place)… but - it arrived, fitting around the waist and coming only about an inch from under my ass. Funny story… so, I’m trying the thing on and was un-dressed. Obviously, much too short. So, I walk (braless) into the livingroom, half naked ‘cept the kilt, hide my boobs from martin, lift up a leg kinda sexy-like and say, “Hey! Look! I’m a scottish prostitute!” He looked at me and just burst out laughin’! Seriously dude, there is no effin’ way I will wear that kilt that short. If I am ordering a size 42 kilt, would you not think that as a porky lady, I may like to have my ass covered? Seriously! Anyways - I went out to the fabric store, got two yards of the bloody material and will just make one myself. Duuuuuuuuude, and it will totally cover my bits!

The second outfit is a victorian style, 1900 outfit. I hope I can figure out how to sew and cut and well, wear the thing. As a prude (obviously), I will be a bit happier in this one since my whole body will be covered!

Will try to get pics if I can remember!